I’ll bet you’ve probably heard from other parents that when they sleep trained, within three nights their baby was falling asleep peacefully and just sleeping like a little rock star.
Let’s clear something up real quick:
While this does happen at times (and that’s awesome for those families!), I typically find that this is not the norm.
I’ve worked with over 1000+ families, and I want to share with you what I’ve learned, and lay out for you what you should expect in terms of progress during sleep training.
What to Expect During Sleep Training
(and What to Do When It Isn’t Working)
By Kelly Murray
Progress: Bedtime
Falling asleep Independently at Bedtime
The first skill that your baby will master when it comes to independent sleep is putting themselves to sleep at bedtime. This is because, at bedtime, they are at their sleepiest.
Their body is starting to produce melatonin, the sleepy hormone, and they have a ton of sleep pressure built up. So, it's relatively easy for them for them to fall asleep. Of course, it's going to be a struggle for a couple days, but it is relatively easy compared to the other sleep skills for them to learn to put themselves to sleep at this time.
TIMING
What you should expect in terms of falling asleep independently at bedtime is that within about 3-5 days of starting the process, your baby should be able to fall asleep within 10 to 15 minutes at bedtime.
Now, this doesn't mean that your baby's going to always fall asleep happily. They still may protest! That's because babies and kids of all ages typically don't want to stop what they're doing to go to sleep, or because they're still mastering this skill set.
If your baby's not falling asleep within about 10 minutes after 5 days of starting the process, then I recommend playing around with the schedule a little bit. You may be putting your baby down either too late and they're overtired and cranky, or too soon and they don't have enough sleep pressure.
Progress: Naptime
Falling Asleep Independently at Naptime
When it comes to naps, progress is going to be a little bit slower when it comes to falling asleep initially at naptime. This is because during the day, your baby doesn't have any melatonin in their system. Melatonin is the sleepy hormone and is also known as the “vampire of hormones”, as it’s only produced in total darkness. This means your baby’s sleepiness for naps is solely dictated by their sleep pressure, making it a little bit more challenging for babies to learn to fall asleep during the day. So, have a little more patience when it comes to daytime sleep. I always tell my clients to give it a good week before they start worrying that it's taking too long for their baby to fall asleep at naptime.
TIMING
What you should see after a week is that, ideally, your baby is falling asleep within about 10 to 15 minutes, just like at bedtime. Also just like bedtime, it may not always be happily, but they should be able to fall asleep within a good 10 minutes. If it is taking longer, then you need to do the same thing I suggested you do before; play around with the schedule a bit to find a good sweet spot for your kiddo to fall asleep more easily and quickly.
If your baby is sleeping more than twice a day, sometimes the third and fourth naps of the day can be really challenging for babies to do independently because they don't have as much sleep pressure as the day goes on. In these cases, I often recommend to my clients who are struggling with independence for these last naps of the day is to assist them. (Don't worry — you're not going to mess anything up!) Assisting with the last couple naps of the day looks like putting your baby in the car, stroller, or baby carrier, or even holding your baby, just so they can get those last couple catnaps in for the day.
Progress: Night Wakings
Falling Back to Sleep Independently in the Night
The other thing that typically goes away within a week is excessive night wakings.
What I mean by “excessive” is that your baby is waking up outside of their feeding time. Just because your sleep training doesn't mean you need to drop night feeds! Some babies aren't ready to drop night feeds, and it's okay to keep one or two feeds in the nighttime schedule, especially if your baby is younger than six months.
Timing
But if your baby's waking up more than once or twice and you know they're not hungry, then those wake ups should go away within a week or so. If they're not, then usually that means you're going into their bedroom too quickly to reassure your baby. So make sure you're giving your baby a good 10 to 15 minutes to fall back to sleep before you go and check on them. If you do that, I bet you those excessive night wakings are going to disappear.
Progress: Long Naps
Connecting Sleep Cycles at Naptime
One of the last skills for your baby to develop when it comes to sleep training is the ability to take a long nap.
A long nap in my book is anything over about 45 minutes. Anything that's longer than an hour to an hour and a half means that your baby has successfully connected sleep cycles. A sleep cycle during the day is about 30 to 45 minutes. It can be really challenging for your baby to connect sleep cycles during the day because again, there's the absence of melatonin.
Also, after about one sleep cycle, your baby isn't that tired anymore. When they wake up, they’re battling against a lack of melatonin in the system and a lack of sleep pressure, and it can be really, really challenging to fall back to sleep. It takes very strong, independent sleep skills to accomplish connecting a sleep cycle at naptime and it doesn't happen overnight. It takes lots and lots of practice. I typically tell my clients to expect short naps for at least the first or even through the second week of sleep training.
TIMING
As long as you're putting your baby down awake and you're giving your baby ample time to fall back to sleep in between sleep cycles, then your baby will learn this skill.
I recommend waiting a good 15 minutes after a short nap to go in and get your baby out of their crib. What this is going to do is: a) it sets the precedence that you're not going to run in there and end the nap after a short nap, and b) it gives them a chance to hone this skill.
Progress: Early Morning Wake-Ups
Falling Back to Sleep Independently In the Early Morning
One of the final skills that a baby develops when it comes to sleep training is the ability to connect sleep cycles early in the morning.
Just like at naptime, your baby sleeps in cycles at night.
Quick refresher: a sleep cycle is when you go from light sleep to deep sleep, and after every cycle, there's a little wake up. A sleep cycle's usually about 60 to 90 minutes, and it's relatively easy for them to connect sleep cycles earlier in the evening because sleep is really deep at that time, and also there’s an abundance of sleep pressure and melatonin in their system. Thus, when baby wakes after a sleep cycle in the first part of the night, they're very sleepy and it's not that difficult to fall back to sleep. They have a lot of motivation to sleep because they're just really, really tired!
But later in the morning, they're in a lighter sleep. This means that when they wake up after a sleep cycle, they're a little bit more cognizant. Their body's starting to produce cortisol to prepare for wake up, and they have really low sleep pressure. Just like at naptime, they're not very tired after a sleep cycle.
Timing
So it's going to take some time for baby to learn to fall back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. When it comes to early morning wake-ups, I recommend trying to keep your baby in their crib until at least 6:00 AM. That way, you train their body that it's not time to get up before 6:00 AM. You also give them plenty of opportunity to work on falling back to sleep. Again, early morning wake ups, just like short naps, are really common the first couple weeks of sleep training — but give it a good two weeks, and if you keep your baby in the crib and you have all the timing right, and they're falling asleep independently, they should be able to make it until at least 6:00 AM… which leads me to another expectation…
The time your baby wakes up.
Unfortunately, babies wake up early. They wake up somewhere between 6:00-7:00 AM most commonly. Some babies do wake up a little later, but I want to say 90% of the clients I work with, the babies wake up in that 6:00 AM hour.
So, if your baby's waking up at 6:00 AM and you're really frustrated — I hate to say it, but it's kind of normal! And it's best to just look at it as your baby's normal circadian rhythm and try to adjust your schedule to accommodate it — because it can much harder to fight mother nature.
Adjustments
As I mentioned before, the reason why sleep training isn't working for some families is that they need to make just a couple small adjustments to see sleep success. So let’s go over those adjustments:
1
Avoid Putting Baby Down Drowsy
I know everyone always says “drowsy but awake” — which is true when your baby is a newborn — but after babies are four months old, you want to put them down awake.
The reason why is because the first stage of sleep is Stage 1 of non-REM sleep, and it's the drowsy state. So if you're getting your baby really drowsy, then you're actually doing the majority of the work for them. Then what happens overnight is that when they wake up, they expect you to get them drowsy again in between sleep cycles.
Also what can happen if you put them down into their crib drowsy is that when they feel the crib, they fully wake up. Because they had a little bit of sleep in the drowsy state, they now feel that their batteries are re-charged, and it becomes much harder for them to fall back to sleep, resulting in a long bout of crying. (Sound familiar?) It's similar to when we might doze off on the couch, then wake up, and then struggle to fall asleep when we get into bed.
2
Don’t Go Into the Room Too Soon
A common issue I see is that parents are going in too quickly after their baby wakes up from a sleep cycle.
Research shows it takes a baby around 10 mins to fall back to sleep in between cycles. So if your baby wakes up in the middle of the night and you know it's not time to feed, or they wake up after one sleep cycle (35-50 minutes) during the day, then make sure you're giving your baby a good 10-15 minutes before you go into their room to see if they're just working on falling back to sleep.
3
Soothing Is to Reassure, Not to Stop Crying
It is very common with sleep training for parents to focus on stopping the crying. I get it! However, that's really not the point of soothing. Soothing is meant to calm your baby a little bit and reassure them by letting them know you're still there.
If you focus on stopping your baby’s crying when you're soothing, then what tends to happen is that you overstimulate your baby and they cry even more. Or what can happen is that you actually just create a new prop where your baby is dependent on you to stop the crying and put them to sleep through hands-on soothing — and as a result, the night wakings don't go away.
You Got This!
(and if you feel like you don’t — we’re here for you!)
Sleep training can feel like a daunting challenge in and of itself, so if you’re in the midst of it, give yourself some grace and space while you and your baby navigate it. Your baby is learning a life skill and it takes practice, patience, and time to master it!
When you start to feel like things aren’t working, check the elements you’ve put in place to set your baby up for success.
Ask yourself:
Is the sleep environment optimal?
Is my baby using age-appropriate wake windows?
Is my baby eating enough throughout the day and they’re on an Eat-Play-Sleep schedule?
Have I eliminated any and all “sleep props” from the routine?
Are my expectations reasonable?
These are just some questions to think about as you sleep train and whenever things are feeling tough. If you’re still not sure, please reach out to us! That’s what we’re here for. We can hop on a discovery call to talk more about if working one-on-one may be the right solution for you and your family.
I hope these tips help and I wish you and your family sweet dreams!
LET’S GET YOU TUCKED IN
Schedule a 15-minute discovery call today. We’ll chat about your current situation and how my program could benefit you.
Sweet Dreams…
Kelly Murray is a certified sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.
