Today I want to talk to you about a real doozie:
Toddler Sleep Regressions
Every week, I talk to families with children over two years old who aren't sleeping well. These kiddos may have been babies who slept amazingly, and all of the sudden, their sleep’s taken a turn for the worse; or maybe they weren't good sleepers as babies and their parents rectified it through sleep training and now they're having issues again; or maybe they've never been good sleepers! The circumstances may be different for each kiddo, but I find that the root cause of these toddlers’ sleep issues are usually one in the same:
Either
1. The toddler is pushing boundaries.
Or
2. The toddler may need a new schedule.
I'm going to examine both of these reasons and give you some tips that you can use right away to nip this regression in the bud ASAP. Because let's face it: if you have a toddler, you are exhausted and you need your sleep and alone time at the end of the day.
1
Boundaries
The main reason why toddlers have issues with sleep is: they're toddlers!
A toddler’s job is to push the envelope. Toddlers want to see where your control ends and where theirs begins. If they're pushing boundaries, that's actually a good sign! It means they're developing well, as frustrating as it is.
Your job as a parent is to make sure that the boundaries are firm. If you have firm boundaries, it’s actually going to help your child to feel more secure. If the boundaries aren't firm, your child's going to keep pushing and pushing — and pushing and pushing — until they finally push you to your breaking point.
It’s very important to have firm boundaries when it comes to anything that involves health and safety — and sleep is definitely health-related.
If your child is not getting enough rest:
They're going to have issues with their behavior the next day
It can affect their immune system
In more severe cases, it can even affect their growth → 75% of growth hormone is released during sleep!
So, if your child is pushing boundaries at bedtime — i.e. they're asking for an extra hug, or an extra glass of water, or they want you to stand on your head before they go to sleep (who knows? they always find all of these reasons to not sleep!) — then you definitely have a boundary pusher on your hands. It’s really important that you nip that in the bud before it snowballs out of control.
How to Deal With Your Boundary Pusher:
First:
Set some ground rules
We tend to automatically assume that our children know what we expect out of them. But most of the time, that's just simply not the case. Toddlers are immature and they have no idea what the protocol is for bedtime behavior, so we need to make sure that we sit them down and talk to them about the bedtime rules.
Keep the rules very simple:
They lay quietly in their bed until it's morning time
I find that it’s helpful to purchase a toddler clock that gives them an indication for when it's morning, as toddlers usually can't tell time! The toddler clock that I really like is the Hatch Baby Rest because it's very easy to program (it's app-controlled!) You can program it to turn green at your child’s wake-up time, and you can also create a program for a night light. I like to use a red or amber night light (which the Hatch offers) because it doesn't interfere with sleep. Blue and green light does interfere with sleep because it mimics the sun — so if you use that, it’s going to send a signal to your child's brain that it’s noon-o’clock, and then their body is going to produce cortisol and it's going to be hard for them to fall asleep — and stay asleep.
Practice:
Role Play the Rules
Once you get your toddler clock, I recommend doing some role playing with it to help your child understand what’s expected of them. Do this during the day when they're well-rested instead of waiting until bedtime to try it out. Here’s how the dialogue might look:
YOU: “Alright, we're going to talk about the new bedtime rules! I got you this really cool clock — let's go ahead and practice with it!”
KID: “Okay!”
YOU: “This is what bedtime will look like with your new clock! I'm going to tuck you in, give you a kiss, turn off the light, and now I want you to wait until the light turns green to get out of your bed. Let’s practice!”
KID: “Okay!”
YOU: Tuck your kiddo in, give a kiss, turn off the light, leave the room, and program the clock for maybe a minute later — then pray your kiddo has the will power to lie in their bed. When the green light goes off, go back in the room. If your kiddo is laying in their bed quietly, make a BIG deal about how amazing it is!
“Oh WOW! You did such a great job! I'm so proud of you for laying in bed until the clock turned green!"
Re-establish what’s going to happen that night:
“So tonight, after I turn the lights off and give you a kiss, you are to lay quietly until the light turns green. I want you to check on the clock in the middle of the night when you wake up, I want you to get all of your requests in before I tuck you in and the lights go off, and there's no talking or getting out of bed.”
Rewards
Once you establish the ground rules, it does help to have a little carrot to dangle for following the rules. Think of some rewards that you can give your child the next day for following the rules and use this reward system for about a week or two as your toddler transitions to their new routine. Make it something that's really special, something that's going to motivate them — maybe Lego’s or even M&Ms. Children love chocolate! You can even go to the dollar store and pick up a ton of trinkets. It’s funny how the smallest thing can motivate a child. This reward system will definitely help your child to be more willing to be compliant with the new bedtime rules.
2
New Schedule
If your child’s sleep issues aren’t behavioral-based, I find that it’s typically due to a schedule misalignment. This usually happens around two-and-a-half years old, when a toddler’s sleep needs decrease.
Option 1:
Try a later bedtime
If they're still taking a nap, they're going to need a later bedtime. I typically find that toddlers who are still napping will only sleep 10 hours per night, so you may need to push bedtime later by 30-60 minutes. Because if you try to put them to bed when they're not tired, then of course they're going to have behavioral issues.
OPTION 2:
Shorten the nap
Another strategy you can use if you want to avoid the later bedtime is to shorten the nap. I like a toddler to nap at least an hour to 1½ hours. Sometimes that two-hour mid-day nap can really wreak havoc on bedtime. So start slow. If your child is napping for two hours, try waking them up at an hour-and-a-half and see if that makes a difference with their behavior at bedtime. If that doesn’t help, then try an hour.
OPTION 3:
DROP THE NAP
If option 2 doesn’t help, and you’re not willing to move bedtime later, then you probably have no choice but to drop the nap. Some children do drop the nap as early as two-and-a-half years old. Ideally, I like to maintain the nap until the child is at least three, if not three-and-a-half or four. Most children will drop their naps sometime between three and four.
WHEN YOU HAVE NO CHOICE:
MOVE BEDTIME LATER
If you have a child in daycare, sometimes you don’t have a choice. Daycare is going to lay your child down for nap time, and if they're laying there for an hour on their cot, then they're going to fall asleep. So, again, if you’re seeing issues at bedtime, then you don’t have much choice but to move bedtime later.
toddlers need sleep
I would definitely make sure your toddler is getting at least 10 hours of sleep at night. Any less than 10 hours and I worry about it cutting into their deep sleep, and their deep sleep is where their bodies going to release growth hormone. So, once you get to a point where your toddler's no longer sleeping for 10 hours, it's probably a good indication that it’s time to drop the nap.
When it’s more than just a regression…
I hope that these sleep tips for toddlers help you if you’re going through a regression with your little one. If these tips don’t help the issues, then there might be more at play and I would love to help you.
I offer a free 15-minute discovery call where we can talk more about your situation, I can explain to you what the root cause is and how I would address it. That way, you can decide if you want to work with either me or a member of the Sleep Squad.
Thank you so much for reading and sweet dreams!
All team members have completed in-person Sleep Sense Training and the Kelly Murray Sleep mentorship program. Kelly continues to support, guide and oversee the Sleep Squad as they work with the families who trust in us. That way, all clients will experience the same amazing results (and lots and lots of sleep) regardless of who supports them.
Sweet Dreams…
Kelly Murray is a certified sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.
