How do I keep my toddler in their bed at night?
It’s a question that, unfortunately, many parents find that they must ask eventually. Keeping toddlers in their beds at night requires three different things:
Age appropriate schedule
Firm boundaries
Coping strategies for nightly separation anxiety
An Appropriate Sleep Schedule
If you don’t have the right schedule for your child, it will be really hard for them to stay in bed. If they’re not tired, you can’t really blame them for not wanting to be in their room!
Toddlers have different sleep needs than babies do. When they’re around two and a half years old, their sleep needs decrease. If they’re still taking a nap in the middle of the day, they typically need only ten hours of sleep at night. My daughter is two, and I can attest that this is definitely accurate for her. She still has a daytime nap, but she sleeps only ten hours at night.
If your toddler is still napping in the middle of the day, one option to help keep them in their beds at night is to push bedtime back a little. However, keep in mind that they’ll still need ten hours of sleep per night.
So, if you want your toddler to wake at six in the morning, that would mean an eight o’clock bedtime would be appropriate. If they sleep until seven in the morning, a nine o’clock bedtime would be suitable for them. I know nine o’clock sounds very late for a little one, but if they’re getting daytime sleep, this could be appropriate.
Another thing to remember is daycare. If your child goes to daycare, they’re probably being laid down for a nap, even if they don’t typically nap at home. They might sleep at daycare, because they get tired and need a break in the middle of the day so they can play in the afternoon. So, if your child is napping at daycare, you’ll definitely want to push back bedtime.
You should also keep in mind trying to shorten their daily nap. A good nap for a toddler lasts anywhere between an hour or an hour and a half. Sometimes two hours is too much for them, and that can wreak havoc at bedtime.
You can experiment with the length of their naps. For example, you can start with a nap that lasts an hour and a half. If they’re still having trouble at bedtime, you could try capping the nap at one hour. A one-hour nap should last them till bedtime pretty well.
The last thing that you can try is dropping the nap altogether. If shortening the nap is not making much difference, eliminating the nap completely is a viable option. Some kids no longer need to nap as soon as they’re two and a half years old; every child is different. Ideally, dropping the daily nap would wait until age three or four. That’s when most kids stop needing their daily nap. We parents just have to “go with the flow” and respect our children’s sleep needs during the day.
Boundaries
Once you know that you’ve established a good schedule for your child, you’ll want to ensure you’re establishing boundaries. Boundaries are so important for toddlers. In fact, they like boundaries; they make toddlers feel safe. They look to you as a parent to give them boundaries.
We want to keep boundaries firm. If they aren’t firm, your toddler will just keep pushing you and pushing you until you go over the edge. That’s stressful for both of you! Hold to the boundaries you make, and you’ll see a lot less pushback at bedtime.
I like to remember that enforcing boundaries doesn’t mean you have to be the “mean parent” with all these rules for your child. You do need to have rules when it comes to certain things in life, like anything health-related. Sleep is health-related, so you should make sure that your toddler has good sleep habits and sleep hygiene because they’ll need them for the rest of their lives!
When you’re setting boundaries with your child, whether at bedtime or any other part of the day, all you need to remember is that you need to be firm with them, but you also need to be kind with them. You shouldn’t talk down to them or belittle them. You can be firm and hold to your boundaries, but you can do it in a kind and loving way.
How Do I Set Boundaries?
Establish the rules.
The first step is to establish the rules. Toddlers don’t know what’s expected of them at bedtime. That’s something that you have to teach them.
When it comes to setting rules with toddlers, you should keep the rules as simple as possible. We like to tell our clients to use this bedtime rule: “Lay quietly in your bed until it’s time to get up in the morning.” That’s it; that’s the rule.
Toddlers can’t tell time yet, though, so that’s something you’ll need to help them with. At Kelly Murray Sleep Consultants, we encourage parents to invest in a tool such as an “okay to wake” clock, like the Hatch Babyrest. We like the Hatch because you can program it to turn green in the morning when your child is allowed to get out of bed. You can also use it as a night light!
If your child is asking for a night light, we recommend using a red or amber-colored light. You don’t need to use a night light with your toddler until they begin expressing a fear that the light could help lessen. Using a blue or green-colored light can cause their cortisol levels to spike, which makes it harder for them to go back to sleep.
Another reason we like the Hatch is that you can control it from your phone. You can download their app. From there you can make sure that the night light (if you’re using one) is a warm color, or you can program it to make sure the light will turn green when you want them to wake. That green light will signal your child that they can get out of bed.
Practice.
After you’ve shared with your child the straightforward rule, you have to practice it with them. This is just as important as giving them the rule. The only way your toddler can get good at this is if you help them.
To do this, you can roleplay with your toddler during the day, and teach them to use that “okay to wake” clock. You could make it a game! Try telling them, “Okay, we’re going to pretend like it’s bedtime. I want you to lay in bed and stay quiet, and I’ll turn the lights off, but we’re just pretending. When the light turns green, you can get out of bed.”
If you do this, try using a really short amount of time, like a minute, though you could even start with less time! That way you know that they’ll be successful. Just make sure that they have enough time to lay in bed until the light turns green.
If they do wait in bed until the light turns green, you can make a big deal out of it. “Yay! You did it! Good job!” Then, you can explain, “So tonight, you’re going to do the same thing. You’re going to lay in your bed until the light turns green.”
After you’ve established the rules and practiced them, and once your toddler knows what’s expected of them, you should try to think of some rewards you can give your child for following them. You don’t have to reward them every time. But for the first few weeks you’re doing this, especially if it’s a new routine for your child, rewards may work as a motivator for them to continue following the rules.
Rewards also allow you to celebrate with your child the next day! In the morning when they’ve made it to the green light, having you celebrate with your toddler makes them feel really good.
You’ll need to think of a very motivating reward for them. Every child has their own currency - every child has things they think are really interesting, and things that they like. So, think about what your child likes. What would they like as a reward?
I’ve worked with a lot of families whose kids have different kinds of toys they like. Let’s say your little one likes superheroes. You could go get them little superhero figurines. The dollar store is a great place to get little trinkets. Even the most minor thing can be super motivating to a child at this age. You could even try giving them a few M&Ms in the morning!
Obviously, you don’t have to use candy. Just think of something that would really motivate your toddler. I’d recommend using a reward for the first week or two, just to establish the rule and get them started. The more than your child does something and the more routine it becomes for them, the more naturally it’ll come to them.
Teach Them Coping Strategies for Anxiety
You’ve taught them to stay in bed and started rewarding them for progress. Now, what do you do if your child can’t stay in bed because they’re afraid?
Once kids grow older, their imaginations begin to develop. This means that they can be afraid of all sorts of things. Some children are afraid of the dark, while others are afraid of their closet. Some children are afraid of being away from parents in the middle of the night - that’s a common fear we encounter.
Because of this, you may need to teach them some strategies to allow them to cope with that middle-of-the-night fear. I’ve got a few tips for this, listed below.
Develop a sleep mantra.
A mantra is just a saying. You say it to your child over and over again at bedtime, and then have them repeat it back to you. This little saying tells them that they’re safe.
One mantra I like to use is, “I am safe. I am cozy in my bed. I will see Mommy and Daddy in the morning.” Try to keep it really simple and really short, so that they’ll be able to remember it.
This is another approach you should practice during the day. Even if you’re just sitting to eat lunch, you can say something like, “Let’s practice your sleep mantra together. I love hearing you say it!” Practice, practice, practice. Then at bedtime, say it with them.
Use a night light.
If your toddler is afraid of the dark, you can use a night light. It’ll provide enough light to keep darkness away, but it shouldn’t interfere with their sleep, either. Again, we recommend using a warm-toned light rather than a cool-toned one.
Teach your child how to take a deep breath.
It can be hard to teach a toddler how to take a deep breath. The best way to accomplish this is to make it fun for them.
We like to use a method we call “hot chocolate breaths.” When using this method, you and your child pretend to hold a cup of hot chocolate. Then, smell the hot chocolate. That’s when they’ll take a deep breath in. But you can’t drink it yet, because it’s too hot! So, you’ll then blow on the hot chocolate to cool it down.
Using the “hot chocolate breaths” method feels like a game for your little one. But really, you’ve just taught them how to take a deep breath! Now, whenever you see them having a hard time, you can do some “hot chocolate breaths” with them.
Give “hand-hugs.”
A “hand-hug” is like a kind of pressure massage. To do this, you take your hands and gently squeeze down their arms to put slight pressure on them. You can even do this down their legs or on their face.
“Hand hugs” are effective because they activate your toddler’s “rest mode,” which calms them down. Some kids just like it! “Hand hugs” are a great method to use to relax their body.
Give them a way to feel close to you.
If your toddler is afraid of being away from you in the middle of the night, you can put one of your shirts over their pillow like a pillowcase. Your shirt has your smell on it, and gives your child something that reminds them of you. I’ve found this helps a lot of kids with this fear.
You can also try putting special photos of your family next to their bed. You can print out some photos and put them on their bedpost or the wall beside their bed. Remind your little one that if they’re lonely in the middle of the night, they can look at your picture.
In addition, something that kids really like is when you tell them you’re going to put a picture of them next to your bed. That allows you to set an example for them, so you can say, “When I miss you in the middle of the night, I like to look at my picture of you next to my bed to make me feel better.”
You can try another method, too. You can purchase little buttons you can record your voice onto. A lot of times, these buttons are shaped like a heart. You could record the sleep mantra on it, or your voice talking to them, and stick it on the side of their bed. That way if they’re feeling lonely in the middle of the night and want you, they can press the button.
A lot of times when starting this with a child, they’ll press the button a million times (at least, that’s what it feels like!). They do that because it’s exciting for them.
You can also do this with a toy, like a Build-a-Bear. Build-a-Bear offers options for you to record your voice and put the button inside the bear. You can take your toddler with you to pick it out, too!
You know your child best. So, use the strategies here that you think would be most helpful for them. If you stick with your boundaries and age-appropriate sleep schedule, they should give you a good start towards keeping your toddler in their room.
We are Here to Help!
If you’re still having trouble, try some of these strategies for a few weeks. If that’s not helping enough, feel free to reach out to us. This is what we do - we help parents with their kids’ sleep! We work with toddlers all the time. We’d be happy to help you and your family. Schedule a free discovery call with us to learn more, and good luck!
