“There’s a monster under my bed!”
There comes a time during toddlerhood when children start to understand their environment better, as well as the concept of what it really means to be in their own space. They like to feel ownership of their space and it can be very exciting when they find their confidence in it. But with gaining understanding of their environment and surroundings also comes the beginning stages of abstract thought. Enter: the bedtime scaries.
How to Help a Child Who Is Scared at Bedtime: Befriending the Bedtime Scaries
By Marian van Noppen, Sleep Squad Consultant
Whether your kiddo has seen a scary cartoon, had a startling encounter, or perhaps has heard a story that challenges their understanding of the world as they know it, the bedtime scaries can manifest in many forms. Because our children at this age don’t yet have full capability of abstract thought, they’re only at the imagination part, where they use their imagination to mimic their world as a way to understand it. And if they’ve seen or heard something that scares them or puts an idea in their head (like a monster under the bed), then they will begin to play that scenario out to understand it.
This is completely normal and it’s up to us to hear our children out and let them know that those feelings are valid and real, and to acknowledge that what they are experiencing feels very real to them. So we want to lean into their world to help them work through this. We also want to lead the way in showing our kids how to feel and act confidently when it comes to their sleep space. We do this by leaning in AND guiding the outcome of the conversation towards a positive place — one where you are in control, and your child can fully feel safe again.
In the words of Montell Jordan,
This is how we do it:
If your child is scared of going to sleep at night, first ask them, “Of what?”
If your child says, “monsters” (or shadows, etc.), tell them that, “The monsters are your friends. Talk to them like they are your best friends and honored guests! How lucky they are to be invited into your sleep sanctuary!”
Create the monsters yourself so your child can see how the monsters move. A great way to do this is to physically act it out (funny!) or you can draw them and cut them out and make puppets as a craft activity the next day.
Play with the monsters together during the day! (Bonus: this is a great way to spend one-on-one time with your child to fill their attention cup!)
Find the monsters together around the house (especially in the bedroom!)
At night, tell the monsters together that it’s bedtime. Blow kisses at the walls and under the bed and say goodnight to them. If your child says the monsters didn’t go to sleep, tell your child that, “Actually, monsters are very well-behaved and always listen the first time. They did go to sleep right when you told them to. Now it’s your turn to be like the monsters and go to sleep.”
If your child doesn’t go to sleep and you are sleep training, implement your sleep plan and provide any strikes or consequences as necessary, as they are breaking the bedtime rules at that point.
Take a cue from Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D, who helped his child overcome the bedtime scaries by going to the store and buying a spray bottle of “Monster Spray”. He picked up a brightly colored, empty bottle from the drug store and didn’t fill it (to avoid covering the room with liquid and overstimulating his kiddo). His child could feel the air being “sprayed” from the bottle, demonstrating that the bottle “worked!”, and aiding in leaning into his child’s imaginary world. If his child felt scared of the monsters, he could spray the (empty) bottle of Monster Spray to get rid of them.
If your child says there was a noise, tell them that you hear everything, every time! (Even if you didn't.) Always tell your child that something made the sound and it's something mundane — a truck passing by, squirrels, furnace, water heater, family pets, etc...
If your child says that's not the sound, be very confident and say, “Actually, I know it was something else. I’ll show you.” Visit some of the noisy things in the house so that your child learns what a furnace and water heater are and what they do, what an ice maker on the refrigerator is and how it works, etc. Help your child learn why they make noise.
You don't have to talk about it long at all. Once your child identifies the sights and sounds as mundane and friendly, they won’t worry about it anymore. It rarely comes up again. Also, don't let them see that you are concerned or that you are scared. If they know it gets a reaction, they will use it as an excuse every time.
Have fun and make it positive!
Acknowledge and Hear Your Child
Remember — your child doesn’t yet have full capability of abstract thought, and therefore they believe these imaginary creatures to be very, very real. Try to avoid telling your child that the creatures aren’t real or that your child is “wrong” for believing in them, as this can exacerbate the issue and actually backfire. Plus, in the long run, it may even perpetuate feelings of self-doubt. Instead, try to acknowledge and lean in to your child’s imaginary world, and help them take control of the situation while you navigate. Decide what you want the outcome to be, “steer the ship”, while your child takes the actions in a safe, supportive space.
“You make it sound so easy! My kid isn’t buying it! Help!”
Of course, sometimes this is much easier said than done. If you need help working through your kiddo’s bedtime scaries, you can always set up a 30-minute strategy call with us to discuss a working plan to help get your child’s routine back on track. And if you need further support, a full program may be the perfect solution. We’d be honored to help you guide your kiddo towards a positive place with their sleep.
All team members have completed training with Kelly and have learned the Murray Method. Kelly continues to support, guide and oversee the Sleep Squad as they work with the families who trust in us. That way, all clients will experience the same amazing results (and lots and lots of sleep) regardless of who supports them.
Not sure if you need to work one-on-one but need guidance?
Check out our digital course → The Murray Method for Babies
Sweet Dreams
Kelly Murray is a certified sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.
