Let’s talk about sleep regressions for older siblings.
This can definitely be a challenging one. I have to admit, when I had my second baby, I was shocked when my oldest (who was previously a phenomenal sleeper and never woke in the night or called for me unless she was sick), started calling out for me in the night. It was a surprisingly brutal transition into becoming a big sibling for her.
So, I want to give you some tips for how to go through this process as smoothly as possible because, as I saw with my oldest, even the best sleepers are going to experience some challenges when they make this transition in life.
How to Prevent and Work Through Sleep Regressions When Your Child Becomes an Older Sibling
By Meg Meadows, Senior Sleep Consultant
Prime Their Mind
The feeling of safety and security is so important for a little one's sleep. So when a new sibling comes into their lives, it is a massive hit to that sense of security as it is a big change. There is a lot of the fear of the unknown and what to expect.
The first thing we can do to help prepare for this is to prime their minds for this change before it happens and break down that fear of the unknown.
If you are expecting, you can talk to your oldest about the new baby coming. Talk to them about the fears that they may be having. Don't push them if they don’t want to talk about it, but you can bring it up in a playful way. A little role playing or playing with toys and just kind of talking about it can go a long way. Show them pictures of how they were when they were a newborn and explain to them what it was like when they were first born.
Make sure they know that when the baby comes, their new sibling isn’t necessarily going to be a playmate right away. (I was surprised that my oldest was surprised by this little piece of information!)
Maintaining Some Semblance of Consistency is Key
Know that they are probably going to cry a lot. Know that this is just communication and that they are okay. Let them know it's nothing that they did wrong and, of course, that your love for them will never change.
When you’re expecting, be sure to prepare for these changes before they happen. Holding onto any kind of consistency for your older child in their daily routine is going to be essential. If there are going to be big changes coming because of the baby, prepare for those ahead of time.
Think about how the bedtime routine will change from the way it is now and the way it will be when the new baby comes. If it is going to change, (for example — if mom is no longer going to be able to do the routine anymore and dad's going to take over the routine), you can start preparing for that long before the baby comes so that it is not an uproar to their lives.
Incorporate One-on-One Time
Carve out special one-on-one time in the day with each parent doing child-led play. At least 15 minutes will do the trick. Whatever your oldest wants to do during this one-on-one time, really focus in on that time with them. Put the cell phones down and just focus on filling up their love tank.
Avoid Simultaneous Major Changes
You want to try to stay away from any other major changes at the same time — like moving to a toddler bed. Oftentimes, people want to move the oldest to a toddler bed because they want the crib for the baby, of course. If this is going to be the case, I would either make that change a few months before the new baby comes or a few months after the baby comes; once the rhythm and the pattern of life has kind of gotten back into a set routine going again.
Make Your Oldest Feel Heard, Helpful, and Seen
Once your baby is home, involve your older child in as much as you possibly can so that they feel very helpful. That's going to help them adjust to this new change and process. Things like grabbing the new diaper or bringing you the bottle or throwing the diaper in the pale — all these little things help them to feel more useful and involved in the whole process.
Avoid saying:
“We can't do [this or that] because of the baby.”
If you can't go to the playground because of the baby, try saying:
“We can't go right now, but this is a list of things that we can do.”
Another nice thing I like to do on the day the baby comes home is a big sibling gift. It can help them feel very excited and bring some specialness to the day for them, as well. I've carried on this tradition throughout the years with my girls. When the youngest has a birthday, the older sibling receives a gift for herself. Then, we do the same when it's my older girl's birthday; we give little sister a gift so she has something for herself, too.
It can also be helpful to pick out new toys or something that's exciting for just the times where you're tending to your youngest so that you can have your oldest occupied with some things that are exciting. It makes it more special if those items are just for those specific times.
Handling Night Wakings for Your Oldest
When it’s nighttime and your older child wakes in the night and you are surprised by this, do offer some extra comfort and support, but also stay firm to the boundaries that you've already set in place. So if your child is already an independent sleeper, now is not the time to go back on those boundaries. Instead, go in, offer some reassurance and support, and go back to bed.
If they've woken up because the baby is crying, remind them that the baby is okay and you’ve got it handled and that all is well. You can give them a little extra support, but you're still going to allow (and encourage) them the opportunity to fall asleep independently. This doesn't mean that you immediately rush to them at the first peep, or that you start co-sleeping or staying with them until they fall asleep. Rather, learn to give that reassurance while staying firm to what you have done in the past and still let them fall asleep independently.
We’re Here to Grow With You
I hope these tips have been helpful for you and I hope this eases your transition into your expanding family!
If you have any questions about helping your oldest child with their sleep, please feel free to learn more about working with us by booking a discovery call with us. We can learn more about your situation and explain our approach so you can decide if we’re the right fit for you and your family.
All team members have completed training with Kelly and have learned the Murray Method. Kelly continues to support, guide and oversee the Sleep Squad as they work with the families who trust in us. That way, all clients will experience the same amazing results (and lots and lots of sleep) regardless of who supports them.
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Sweet Dreams
Kelly Murray is a certified sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.
