Nightmares: Tips to Support Your Child
By Meg Meadows, Senior Sleep Consultant
What Are Nightmares?
Nightmares are vivid dreams that may cause fear, anger, sadness, guilt, or anxiety. They can usually be recalled after waking. Once your child is awake, they will be coherent, aware that a nightmare has occurred, and receptive to reassurance.
Nightmares are associated with rapid eye movement (REM) sleep: the stage in which our brain is the most active. We are in REM sleep for longer periods of time in the second half of the night; thus, nightmares usually occur after midnight.
Developmentally, preschool-aged children tend to experience more nightmares. Other factors that increase susceptibility to scary dreams include transitions (e.g. start of daycare or school), stress and anxiety, illness, snacking or taking vitamins prior to bed, exposure to scary shows and movies, and medical issues such as sleep apnea.
Tips for Supporting Your Child
Have a Predictable Evening and Bedtime Routine
A child experiences less stress when they are able to predict what is expected of them.
In addition, nighttime battles can leave everyone feeling stressed and upset which could also increase the likelihood of nightmares. This doesn’t mean avoid setting and maintaining limits, in fact, the opposite is true.
Increased bedtime consistency will result in a smoother bedtime. Including relaxation time immediately prior or during your child’s bedtime routine can also set you up for success.
Ensure Your Child is Getting Enough Sleep
Children who are over tired are more likely to experience nightmares.
Generally speaking, in a 24-hour period:
Toddlers (1-2 years old) require 11 – 14 hours of sleep
Preschool children (3 – 5 years) require 10 – 13 hours of sleep
School aged (6 – 13 years old) require 9 – 11 hours
Avoid Overstimulation During the Day
It is essential that your child has adequate downtime during the day. Scheduling time to relax can reduce overstimulation, establish daily structure, and provide opportunities to learn self-regulation.
It is this downtime that allows your child to open the “release valve” on emotional build-up throughout the day. A more relaxed child will have an easier bedtime and have less difficulty falling and staying asleep.
Imagine a rain barrel during a storm. As the amount of water builds in the barrel, the pressure on its structure increases. If there are no opportunities to release some of the pressure, the barrel will eventually overflow or create cracks for the water to escape.
However, if you open the valve and let water out, the barrel will be able to withstand the ongoing onslaught of rain. Your child reacts the same – overstimulation or pent-up emotions can cause them to feel strained at the end of the day. This stress may leak out in the form of nightmares.
Reduce Daytime Stress and Anxiety
It is not realistic to completely remove all stress. Some stress is inevitable and essential for your child to develop resiliency.
However, reducing exposure to anxiety provoking situations can free up available coping strategies to handle unavoidable stress, while limiting the impact of stress on their sleep. Think of the ability to handle stress and anxiety as a non-renewable resource.
Some ways to manage this include:
Avoid television shows, video games, and movies that have scary content. Some children experience fear with different scenarios so you will have to be in tune with your child’s emotional responses.
Be aware of how much ‘adult’ content your child is exposed to via the news or conversations observed between caregivers. Children are often more receptive than we realize.
Provide a predictable daytime routine and expectations.
Be Responsive, Patient, and Reassuring
When your child is having a nightmare, it is important to attend to them in the moment. Be patient and provide reassurance that they are safe and that it was a dream.
Express optimism that your child will be able to manage their fear and have a good sleep. Don’t stay too long: leave your child’s room once they are calm, but before they are fully asleep.
Be Aware of Your Language
Parents have the tendency to label their child’s difficulties.
For example, “John, you have been having trouble with nightmares lately” or “Susan is not a good sleeper.” These comments are intended to be helpful by identifying the problem.
I can assure you, if your child suffers from frequent nightmares they do not need to be told - the label may actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy. By bringing attention to the nightmares as a problem they are more likely to go to bed thinking about and expecting nightmares: resulting in an increased likelihood to experience one. Try to rephrase your language by praising their brave behavior instead.
Teach Positive Self-Talk
While this is a continuation of the above tip it deserves a spot of its own.
Positive self-talk is an essential tool for success in many areas of life. Model positive self-talk about yourself. Help reframe their self-talk if you overhear them saying negative comments about themselves.
For example, if your child is working on something and says, “I can’t get this right” reframe it and say, “you are working hard to figure that out.”
Lastly, make positive statements (aka brag) about them often. Grandparents, family, or friends are a great audience. The next time you are speaking with their grandparent you can say: “Alex has been so brave sleeping in his own bed all night”.
Be Aware of Your Emotions and Behaviors
Let’s delve into the science of this for a minute.
Our brains are equipped with mirror neurons which are “smart” cells in our brains that allow us to imitate behavior that we observe. These cells fire when we experience an emotion or when we observe others experiencing an emotion.
If you feel anxious, overwhelmed, angry, or frustrated when you are with your child - they will feel those emotions too. Thus, it is essential that you approach bedtime with confidence and in a calm state of mind.
If needed, take a moment to yourself, prior to starting the routine, to take some deep breaths and ground yourself.
Don’t Reinforce Fears
This seems obvious, right?
The majority of parents get that they shouldn’t make comments that would reinforce their child’s fear; however, it is often strategies that are intended to be helpful and our behaviors that inadvertently reinforce childhood fears.
For example, creating a monster spray may seem helpful, but it reinforces that there is something scary that the spray needs to keep away.
If our pre-bedtime ritual involves checking the closet for monsters, we are unintentionally stating that there actually could be monsters.
Make sense?
Alternatively, we could check to see what is in the closet. This slight change in phrasing can make a huge difference. Instead of making magical potions we could empower our child with the skills to address their fears.
Change the Focus
Praise brave behavior. During the light of day, slow down your natural reaction to ‘fix’ by reassuring and use curiosity instead. Here are some examples:
If your child brings up fears of the dark you may want to say, “tell me more” and then ask, “what do you think about that?” Instead of asking “is that scary?”
If your child reports seeing a monster in her closet, ask her about the monster: “What did it look like?” “How did you feel?”
Promote Self-Soothing Strategies and Independence
Reframe discussions to focus on coping strategies versus on the fear inducing dream. What strategies can your child use to manage their fear?
When at all possible, include your child in a brainstorming session to identify a list of possible strategies.
You may want to draw these strategies on a poster so that they have a visual reminder. Some examples may include:
“Flipping the channel” When your child has a nightmare, they can flip to sleep on their other side and pretend they are flipping channels.
Use a transitional object (like a lovey or a blanket) to increase feelings of security. You could give their favorite stuffed animal extra kisses at bedtime for them to use if needed during the night. Some children are comforted by family pictures placed in their room. Others find comfort in “taking care” of their parent’s special watch (or other item) as they can make them feel closer to that parent during the night.
Deep breathing exercises for older children.
Taking a sip of water. Drinking water can help reduce the fight or flight response as it promotes the use of the more rational, thinking part of the brain.
Role Play New Skills
Children do most of their learning through play; therefore, it is no surprise how helpful role play can be to teach new skills.
Encourage your child to practice new strategies during the light of day. Reverse roles: allow your child to teach you their new coping skills. Using dolls or figurines to play through scenarios can also be helpful. If your child struggles with frequent nightmares, do this often.
Children need repetition to learn and successful role plays during the day can help develop confidence.
Likewise, it is important that both you and your child understand that they are learning new skills and it may not be an immediate success, but practice makes perfect!
Decrease Their Fears and Anxiety
Often nightmares are a result of overactive imaginations and a fear of the unknown or unfamiliar. Help demystify your child’s fear by creating positive associations with the source of their nightmares.
This should be a positive experience so don’t force your child to participate. Some examples include:
Play with flashlights in the dark and create shadow puppets. Talk about how shadows are created.
Play in your child’s room during the day.
Reduce the clutter in your child’s room that may look scary during the night.
Talk about how things look when placed in different lighting.
Read books about their fears. For example, you may want to read a book about monsters and then do a craft to make your own paper bag monsters. This lessens the fear of the “monster” and begins to create a more positive association.
If your child is receptive to drawing a picture of their nightmare, then that’s great. You can have them draw it and throw it away. Alternatively, older children may want to make up a story with a positive ending versus the one in their dream.
Use a Nightlight (If Necessary)
Unfortunately, not all nightlights have been created with sleep promotion in mind.
In fact, most of them aren’t. If a nightlight is required, choose a light that does not emit blue spectrum light. This will be stated explicitly on the product. Blue spectrum light disrupts melatonin production, the hormone required for sleep.
Be aware that sometimes, nightlights actually make fears worse as they can create new shadows in your child’s room which can increase fear.
Be Aware of What Your Child Consumes Before Bedtime
Avoid vitamins before bed. Some vitamins can be alerting and disturb sleep.
If your child takes medications, investigate whether these may contribute.
Some foods also can alert the mind and metabolism; thus, increasing the likelihood of nightmares.
All team members have completed training with Kelly and have learned the Murray Method. Kelly continues to support, guide and oversee the Sleep Squad as they work with the families who trust in us. This way, all clients are able to experience the same amazing results (and lots and lots of sleep).
Sweet Dreams…
Kelly Murray is a certified sleep coach and an award-winning pediatric sleep consultant based in Chicago offering sleep coaching services nationwide.
